I have hit an odd place where motivation has come back to my soul, but it hasn’t quite returned to my body. I have spent the last year participating in physiotherapy through my recovery, and it has been absolutely amazing to have the help and support to learn how to reconnect with my body. Now I am out on my own, and what is striking to me is how slow my body is to catch up.
I have always been stubborn and could power through most things. You can’t power through nerve and connective tissue damage, nor can you force your proprioception to just work. Your body’s natural response is to accommodate and protect. So now you’re walking with a limp, your hip doesn’t sit right, misalignment carries up your back, and joints that were once static now start cracking and popping. Paying attention to the things that your body used to do automatically and making sure that you are doing them with the correct form, things as simple as walking, is weird.
Yoga āsanas have helped. It has also opened my eyes to the more supportive parts of my body. Pieces that I may not use in a conscious way on a daily basis while recovering, because my body is more focused on adapting and protective posture than effective movement and abilities. I tell you, it is awfully hard to accept that certain postures that would have been easy before have become a struggle. That struggle means something, though. It gives an added purpose in practice. I get to go back to the place where I get to relearn the baseline of my body and watch with awareness as it progresses.
Even more so, it has brought an awareness to many parts of myself that I simply did not pay attention to before. I feed myself now, regularly, and nourishingly. I did not realize how much of my lack of hunger could have run parallel to my lack of motivation. I pay attention to my moods, and acknowledge them as they appear without trying to “correct” them. I can say that I am grumpy or angry and just allow it to be. Funny enough, those less desirable feelings leave almost as fleetingly as they come if you don’t dwell, and just allow them to have their space. But most importantly, I do not feel guilt or shame over rest; I don’t even require it to be a reward either.
I had an appointment with the surgeon last week and was told that this is about where the recovery plateaus. I have to accept that this is about where the healing ends and work towards building the accommodations for full functionality. I don’t think that I have processed that, and frankly, I think that, through the stubbornness, I will continue to push myself as much as I can.
Until tomorrow 🖤
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